No greater intimacy with God than child like dependency where you are totally vulnerable but also trusting that you will be okay. That is the only way I choose to picture a relationship with God. Total submission to the point of making the leap of faith without questioning his goodness. When fear consumes me, my first instinct is to turn back and hope that the next time I’m presented in the same situation I will have a bit more courage to keep one foot forward regardless of the uncertainties that lie ahead. I’m learning to do the things that scare me the most; to trust that God is forever with me regardless of how I feel.
My biggest struggle has been completely trusting God, internalizing that his ways are far better than my own. It is a process, one which pushes me to move beyond the limitations I have placed on my myself. If I’m honest with myself I can admit that most of the barriers that I’ve built around me are driven by fear. Fear of something that lies ahead, an unforeseen danger that will destroy me. It becomes easier to sink back into my comfort zone only because I’ve created the worst case scenario about what lies ahead. We tend to justify our unwillingness to trust by making assumptions that are built around fear.
I’ve had the best experiences when I have chosen to do something that takes me out of my comfort zone. An exercise to test just how far I’m willing to truly depend on God; even when everything within me tells me to turn back and tell myself that I will try again another time. This next time never comes until we understand that we can even get to a place where we have 0 fear when trying to overcome any obstacles in our lives. One of my favorite quote is by Meg Cabot who says that;
Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
The best thing about my recent solo hike is that it created a deeper intimacy with God. My biggest challenge is being vulnerable and having no sense of security. Nothing exposes my fear than being completely alone and exposed and having to depend on someone else other than myself. It has to do with the the way our generation has been raised to think. We are raised to find security in who we think we are, our achievements, relationships, careers etc,. We grow up thinking of security as something that you go and look for; as opposed to a state of being where you are completely dependent not on yourself but on God’s promise which reminds you in moments of doubt that he will never leave or forsake you.
I’ve learnt that there is no greater security than one found in Jesus Christ. I’m convinced now than I’ve ever been that in order to be the evidence of God’s love we need to continuously trust that he will never leave us. There is power is saying ‘God is with me’ whether out loud or just quietly when faced with an obstacle, it gives me the greatest assurance; reminding me that I am not alone.
I am challenging myself to step out and do the things that scare me, to break out of boxes that people create which almost cripple you into doing nothing and hoping that someday you will master enough courage to do the things you love. I used to walk around with a sense of entitlement feeling like somehow I deserved my life like I had done something tremendous that qualified my existence and I was wrong. There is nothing that qualifies my existence other than the grace and goodness of my father. It is only through him that I am still alive. This awareness breeds an immense sense of gratitude where I understand that my greatest accomplishment in life would have been to live a life that glorified my Father.